Goodbye. Be free.

My curious Trinity,

It’s pretty unbelievable to comprehend that you are gone.

When you and I became best friends, I was unable to save myself. I had moved cities, I was barely mobile from fracturing my ankle, and I was going through a devastating break-up. You and I barely knew each other, but we quickly became acquainted. It was in the first few weeks of my move here that you and I became inseparable.

I will never forget the way you used to trot up to me in the mornings as I sat in our patio in my moon boot catching the morning’s first rays. You’d lick my crutches hello and squeeze your head under my arm to rest it on my thighs and look up at me for a head pat. Then you’d curl yourself into a little ball at the base of my chair, and sit with me as I watched the sun rise to its peak. I would contemplate my life, pray, speak to the universe… and only you heard all of it.

Sometimes I would cry for hours. I would miss Durban, or my friends, or the person who broke my heart, and you would give my leg a little nudge, and my hand a lick just as I felt the loneliest. It’s as if you could feel my heart and you were telling me to snap out of it. “Hey, I’m here! You’re not alone!”

You saved me in more ways than I even know how to express.

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You know you got a lot of warnings for your ridiculously naughty ways in the past year and a half, but it was always in love. Only you would bark incessantly at passersby with no care in the world. Only you would run in circles and pay no mind to anyone who didn’t pique your interest. You were very absent-minded, but when food was involved, you could be won. You liked to give face licks and make jumping sits into my lap. You were a rascal, and I loved you for it. Because I felt like I could relate. You had a sense of freedom within you that I wished I could have.

When you ran away last year, I thought that broke my heart. I couldn’t imagine that a bigger heartbreak was coming. Today my world turned upside down.

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The only thing I wish I could have done is helped you in your final hours. I think I will always want that. I will still hold a piece of you deep within me, and I know it will never be the same. These tragic circumstances will be within me forever, but I will carry it because you were worth it. You helped me carry my sorrow. And you reminded me that I could be loved when I didn’t know I could be.

I will remember you as my fierce, curious, Trini. And in the words of one of my dearest, you know I loved you, and I know you loved me. You were a good girl. I hope you know that. And this is a trauma that we both had to live through and learn from. I hope I can feel your free little soul with me forever.

I love you forever, my Trini girl. My pretty, little girl. I know that you’re chasing things at speed with the wind in your fur wherever you are. I know you are happy. I know your pure soul is free.

Be free. I know that’s what you wanted.

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